I had to increase the text size on my Kindle

But, surely I'm not old enough to have an 11-year-old

I was sitting at swim practice, minding my own business, when I pulled out my Kindle to read. Nothing to see here, everything is as it should be. But as I started to read, I realized that I was squinting more than normal. And that’s when it hit me - it was time to increase the font size. My old(ish) eyes, they couldn’t handle it without giving me a headache.

I immediately texted my husband, my mom, and a few friends - am I old now???

I’m going to be 42 next month, hardly knocking on death’s door. And I’ve never had a particularly bad reaction to getting older. Plus, my 40s have so far been my favorite decade - I know who I am, I know what I want, and I’m in a really satisfying place in my life.

But there is just something about your body beginning to break down in various ways that can really throw you for a loop. First it was that I had a hard time dropping any pregnancy/baby weight (and if I’m honest, I’m still nowhere near my pre-baby weight and can’t imagine I ever will be again). Then it was that doing lunges, or running, during my workouts would really start to bother my knees. After that came the back pain that I’ve mostly managed to control with monthly visits to my chiropractor. So really, should I have been surprised about this latest “affliction?”

My body has spent nearly 42 years carrying me through life and all the things I force it to do. Naturally there is going to become a time where I might need to slow down a bit.

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I write birthday letters to my boys each year. Harrison just turned 7 on January 30th and Henry turned 11 on February 9th. When I sat down to write Henry’s letter this year, I realized just how few years I have left with him in my home. This feeling of watching my baby grow up to be a pre-teen, that has struck me more than anything - because if he’s getting older, certainly so am I.

But in my head, I’m still a young 30-something. In my head I’m the person people look at and think “how can you have an 11 year old?!” In my head I’ll look in the mirror and see my face as it was a decade ago - less wrinkles, less sagging skin.

Of course, that isn’t what I see when I look in the mirror, and I’m certainly old enough to have an 11 year old. But with each year that Henry gets older, that means I do, too. But what’s worse is that every year we both age, that’s a year closer to him leaving the nest.

A favorite shot from the boys’ birthday photo shoot I do each year.

And I think that’s the worst part of all of this. I can handle aging. I can’t handle my kids aging.

I’m thinking of my mom when I wrote that above sentence because around the boys’ birthdays when we remarked, as we always do, that we can’t believe how old they are, she said, “I can’t believe that MY babies are in their 40s!” And that’s it, right? We can never quite believe that the people we love and have loved since infancy are becoming their own people with their own lives and, eventually, their own families.

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After a day, I didn’t even notice the increased size on my Kindle. And I started side-eyeing at my other devices - my phone, my iPad - and wondering if it was time to increase the size there, too. As I sit at swim meets or at restaurants I can look around and see other women whose text is LARGE on their phones and I guess, maybe it’s time for me to join ranks.

Maybe it’s time to say that yes, I am getting older and so are my kids, but also that it’s okay. I love this age. I love where I’m at in life. And if a larger size text on my Kindle is what needs to happen to reduce the anxiety of not being able to read my precious books, then so be it.

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A few more things…

🎙️ I have a new podcast obsession: Wild Card with Rachel Martin. “Rachel Martin rips up the typical interview script and invites guests to answer questions they've never been asked before about life's biggest questions. Actors, writers and musicians open up about their fears, their joys and how they've built meaning from experience – all with the help of a very special deck of cards.” Two favorite episodes: Jesse Eisenberg and Hanif Abdurraquib.

🎥 Speaking of Jesse Eisenberg, have you seen his new movie A Real Pain? It is incredible, and also so heartbreaking. It’s about two cousins who travel to Poland to see where their family comes from and honor their grandmother. I’m not one for movies or television, but I definitely recommend this one.

🎙️ Another podcast I’d recommend (though I can’t say I’m obsessed, because of the subject matter): The Ezra Klein Show. His episode called “Don’t Believe Him” went viral for reminding us all that what Trump is doing now is his exact playbook. But I find the way he explains and dives deep into other areas of politics interesting.

✍️ Last week’s post where I talked about how Donald Trump has ruined my ability to focus, and secondhand grief, really struck a cord with so many of you. Between the comments, emails, and DMs, it’s clear - we’re all struggling. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone.